Seems I managed to throw myself into some deep, dark water.. and though I still see the shore, it's just scary to realize that the harder I'm trying to swim towards this shore, the further I realize that it is from me. I don't know what set this off, the fight that I got into with my friend, which she now exaggerated to the point where 15 years of friendship could be easily shaken off by her.. or was it just an excuse of hers to end this friendship? Why it bothers me so much more than it does her?
And explaining what is wrong seems wrong and only makes me swim further.."No one understands me!" Oh my, are we 16 again? Didn't you want to be younger? Here you go.
There's nothing in particular I can complain about. No facts I can give you. No certain story. But my emotions are like a strained out guitar string, ready to pop any second and hit (who? probably myself) in the eye.
I stumbled upon some weird article, while asking google-the-almighty why am I so pathetic; this article spoke of the dark night of the soul. Except I didn't really notice when exactly did I set off on the road to find higher consciousness.
Is it bad that recently alcohol is the only thing I look for to release this emotional tension-shmension? OH MY GOD, you scream, an alcoholic mother!!! Watch her drop the baby any moment now! Or now!!! Or... now!! Now? While you watch for that, I will go have a cigarette break.
No, not that bad yet.. but I don't know what this is.. but I need to get out of it. I should be able to handle this better. This is what I always wanted, since I was fricking 5!!! And now I don't know how to handle it properly..
I suppose if he would show a bit more pride in me being a domestic engineer (hah! you can actually call yourself that when filling out forms; that is, if you were the lucky winner of this complex too, while being a mother.)
WTF.
Losing yourself.
I used to have hobbies.. true, I was always very lazy to go do them.. but I did do them. And now .. now I don't.
Comedy of errors.. ha?
So this is how you become the nagging wife. The jealous wife. The suspicious wife. The wife. Because you understand that this is not what he signed up for.. and probably other bubbly, happy-go-lucky chicks are so refreshing now.
And suddenly, I'm out of words. Ba..
4 comments:
oh, maybe i'll be able to leave a comment this time (i've been visiting but couldn't comment because evidently the other blogger comment form doesn't like me but i see now someone here has changed it so i'll cross my fingers and hope for the publish button to work).
Why did i tell you all of that? I guess just so you know you're being seen and appreciated for your honest sharing, your questions, your being willing to look in the mirror and see what's really there. It's kind of a rare quality, actually.. It's tempting for the helper in me to want to help and to offer some kind of insight that will make it all make sense for you, but really, i think you're perfectly ok without that. Perfectly ok because really it is about expanding our honest self awareness and diving deeper and observing ourselves and asking these confusing questions that don't really have any answers ...it's more like it's about just living our questions into the answers,
And that's what you're already doing :)
and you are so appreciated for your sharing :)
wisdom tells me to close my eyes and get some sleep, though i am not as tired as i would like to be, still, the brain is ready to shut down and vegetate, so my comment here is not well thought through... and still, a hug and caring does not require thought when it is simply a sincere wish from the heart to share some comfort, honest love, hope for happier experiences, and hope for a reason to smile...
without knowing hardly anything, my gut suggests that you may be neglecting yourself, your interests, your hobbies and happiness does not come from neglecting one's self... the answer is to find a way to inject some self-time, even if it is just a minute at first, into the daily activities... the challenge is figuring out how to do it... but you can, because you can...
there, now that you're whole life is solved, i can go to sleep...
teasing, kidding, joking, really... it is not as simple or easy to do as it is to know... but i still send you a hug and hope that you wind a way to give yourself some healthy happy activity time...
for me, it's writing... and whining in the writing when something else is missing too much... but then, i don't have your responsibilities, so it is much easier for me... responsibility is a blessing and a curse, focus on the blessing... but remember that you have a responsibility to stay healthy and happy too or you won't be there for anybody else...
silliness (and fun) is inside, it leads to forgiveness, happiness, peace, and a wonderful life... try not to bury it and it just make tickle you when you least expect it (there's my ultimate hope for me, you, and the world :)
j - the embedded comments sometimes don't work as well as this pop out comments (but then, for some people vice versa)... yay for you being able to comment... hope you decide to share more whenever you feel like it :)
Thank you j and c for your words; seems that day I've swam the furthest, and these words were really what I needed. And j, so happy to hear from you again!
Interesting thought too, not to have actual answers, but trying to live them out as you go. Reading that felt kinda like being back to school and hearing that the dreaded quiz has been cancelled.
c, seems that writing, whining, and wining into the night is my [healthy], happy activity time too for now.. :]
Thanks again for your words!
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