Younger

Seems I managed to throw myself into some deep, dark water.. and though I still see the shore, it's just scary to realize that the harder I'm trying to swim towards this shore, the further I realize that it is from me. I don't know what set this off, the fight that I got into with my friend, which she now exaggerated to the point where 15 years of friendship could be easily shaken off by her.. or was it just an excuse of hers to end this friendship? Why it bothers me so much more than it does her?

And explaining what is wrong seems wrong and only makes me swim further.."No one understands me!" Oh my, are we 16 again? Didn't you want to be younger? Here you go. 

There's nothing in particular I can complain about. No facts I can give you. No certain story. But my emotions are like a strained out guitar string, ready to pop any second and hit (who? probably myself) in the eye.

I stumbled upon some weird article, while asking google-the-almighty why am I so pathetic; this article spoke of the dark night of the soul. Except I didn't really notice when exactly did I set off on the road to find higher consciousness. 

Is it bad that recently alcohol is the only thing I look for to release this emotional tension-shmension? OH MY GOD, you scream, an alcoholic mother!!! Watch her drop the baby any moment now! Or now!!! Or... now!! Now? While you watch for that, I will go have a cigarette break.

No, not that bad yet.. but I don't know what this is.. but I need to get out of it. I should be able to handle this better. This is what I always wanted, since I was fricking 5!!! And now I don't know how to handle it properly.. 

I suppose if he would show a bit more pride in me being a domestic engineer (hah! you can actually call yourself that when filling out forms; that is, if you were the lucky winner of this complex too, while being a mother.)

WTF.

Losing yourself. 

I used to have hobbies.. true, I was always very lazy to go do them.. but I did do them. And now .. now I don't. 

Comedy of errors.. ha? 

So this is how you become the nagging wife. The jealous wife. The suspicious wife. The wife. Because you understand that this is not what he signed up for.. and probably other bubbly, happy-go-lucky chicks are so refreshing now. 

And suddenly, I'm out of words. Ba.. 

on family (and blog family)

here's a start at a perspective on family (and blog families) for pondering... we do not have to be sharing or in touch to be family or a blog family, we only have to want to be family or a blog family to be family or a blog family... people do not need to be in touch and share to still care... so we are family or blog family if we want to be family or blog family and if we share a few words now and then all the better cuz it's good to know family and blog family and through sharing, we get to know each other :)

simply, family starts inside with wanting to be family... so to all silent blog family members out there, no worries, you are still blog family if you want to be... share when you want to, read when you want to, do nothing and still be family anytime... cuz it makes sense and feels better this way...

your thoughts? :)

Tell you miserable things after you're asleep

So, I've been wanting to write about this entry of yours, Candoor, for awhile: living room.

You wrote it a few weeks before I met my husband to be; to be honest, I didn't understand this entry very well at the time, it was like looking at shapes and figures through a tulle curtain, and then I re-read it now, 5 or so years later, and it was almost eerie and gave me goosebumps.. how accurately it described where I'm heading to. And where I have arrived. Edit edit edit, because paranoid is a cool word.

Add 1 year old daughter to the story, sleeping in the room next to me.. and this song.

At some point it felt like I have gotten out of this constant dwelling inside myself; but staying with another little human can plunge you in even deeper. "Brooding" is my new favorite word. As it is of most hens probably. Why mention a hen if that's not how you want to be perceived? Maybe to have someone deny it. Either way, living in constant feelings of ambivalence is probably not healthy for the mind.

once upon a time

there was a blog family of sorts... it was so named by one of the bloggers in the family just cuz some people on the internet who blogged would keep in touch through their blogs via messages and the occasional blog post... some of the people blogged often, at least one babbled on as if babbling was breathing (pant pant pant, no, not heavy breathing, but occasionally out of breath from the excitement of writing)... even this babbling fool, however, has learned how to be briefer and even cut short thoughts in what may seem like midstream kinda like this... or perhaps, squirrel...

over the years, the family has blogged less... a few met in the offline world and a few have gone silent, disappearing from the web... a few keep in touch via email, however occasionally... and that's the reason this blog is here... it's for the blog family and wanna-be blog family (just say so and tell us why) and fans of the blog family and a place for blog family to check in, leave a word or two (or few or more), photos, art, a breath anytime, once in a while, or whenever the mood rises...

no rules, it's your blog too - make it what you want it to be...

perhaps i (or you) will connect to the roots in another entry or revise and have an about page or somehow organize the introduction and information we want to share as a family... or perhaps you will do it... and format, format is open to your creativity... i chose this format randomly from the few blogger provides, feel free to find one that suits us better... you are invited (emails are being sent out) to make this whatever you want it to be... i made this place for us and it is yours now... i came here to say thank you for being in this world :)