So, I've been wanting to write about this entry of yours, Candoor, for awhile: living room.
You wrote it a few weeks before I met my husband to be; to be honest, I didn't understand this entry very well at the time, it was like looking at shapes and figures through a tulle curtain, and then I re-read it now, 5 or so years later, and it was almost eerie and gave me goosebumps.. how accurately it described where I'm heading to. And where I have arrived. Edit edit edit, because paranoid is a cool word.
Add 1 year old daughter to the story, sleeping in the room next to me.. and this song.
At some point it felt like I have gotten out of this constant dwelling inside myself; but staying with another little human can plunge you in even deeper. "Brooding" is my new favorite word. As it is of most hens probably. Why mention a hen if that's not how you want to be perceived? Maybe to have someone deny it. Either way, living in constant feelings of ambivalence is probably not healthy for the mind.
3 comments:
wow... this entry, your words, my words (and my typos begging for editing, but that's another story), and music/lyrics... is this sharing?... you point me to an entry from another life (we all live so many lives in one lifetime, ya know?... and so many dreams) and a tingly feeling came over me as i realized that i forgot i used to write like that... so much undigested food for thought, is that why i feel bloated all the time?... is it all in my mind?... or maybe to have someone deny it?...
i had to laugh at myself for personalizing that last line... personalizing the rest, not so much (laughter), but deep abiding smiles of a quasi understanding and if but for a moment, feeling a little less alone, yes, something like that...
do you know harry chapin's dirt gets under your fingernails?...
and this blog (to distract from the potential depths and what might be found above (i've gotten so good at that in the past few decades or years) if only to protect the innocent), does it remain public (where the excitement of greater potential sharing potential lives?... are we safe?... please, please says the fearless voice in the mind) or should it be private for the family (and by invitation only)?...
and should this have been an entry and comments left for the public or others?... but then, that could complicate communication... or maybe...
we want to encourage the family to come find it and be welcome here, yes... i mean, what is safety, anyway?...
it is good, so very good to feel an understanding, even if what is understood is not the best feeling in the world...
thank you P... thank you more than words can say :)
PS... i personally require a good dose of ambivalence to maintain sanity and happiness within the confines of this rather mentally ill humanity...
ambivalence is like peanut butter, it can clog up the works, but can also maintain a wonderful and delicious balance when the right stuff is spread on top of it...
unless one is allergic to peanuts, in which case a different ingredient is required for this analogy... or is it a metaphor... similar similes always amuse me...
so many thoughts diverging from this mind, how is anyone expected to follow them all... ah, and therein we find the power and value of ambivalence... it keeps depression from being taken too seriously so we can continue dreaming impossible dreams...
at least that is my way and, after all, i've gotta be me :)
who really wants completely open honesty, anyway?...
thank you for being here :)
Haven't heard that song before, but love the lyrics.
And yes, there's this need to be safe with blogging, yet, I don't seem to be able to write in my locked blog, it's like a room with no windows. Can't breathe there. Yet, writing into the open feels somehow unsafe and at the same time makes writing so easy and makes me want to tell everything as it is..
Thank you for this opportunity, C. Tell me when I have become a spammer, though, and should just get my own place. But for now, I'll hangout on your blog-couch, if you don't mind.
you are welcome here... consider this your blog-couch too... or we can look at your entries are your space and my entries are my space and if j or z or anyone else joins in their entries will be their space and so on... and if we agree on some ideas of how to define this blog (like some "about pages" (like my first two entries seem to wanna be), then we can all author that entry or those entries... i love the idea of a collaborative blog...
if we find it's too wide open because some strangers who don't care step in just to dump on us, we can modify access or more to my liking, have two different blogs, one restricted access and one wide open, if only to experiment with the process (and satisfy my dream of completely open honesty :)
and harry chapin, he is my favorite lyricist songwriter... his songs tell stories the way good writers do and his stories span the spectrum from romance to fantasy to horror to hard cold reality... and his perspectives are so appealing to me so often...
i am happy you like this the lyrics and the idea of this blog :)
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