Maybe because it's fall, or maybe because there's just this constant silence in this place, that I'm starting to go back into that numb state.. viewing myself from outside. Wanting nothing but to sleep. Actually, wholeheartedly looking forward to each evening in anticipation of crawling into bed and going into my dreams, which are so much more exciting and louder than my reality.
Now, there's almost nothing wrong with my reality. I'd probably wouldn't have time to nag here if something was wrong. But this silence..
There were too many changes in the past two years. Not bad changes. Mostly. But changes. Change of life-style because of getting pregnant. Leaving job to be at home with the kid. Changing countries. Losing a friendship. Having closest family move away far from me. Of course, the other side of all these changes is that I have to be thankful that I have all these concepts in my life at all. On the other hand, sometimes, I just want to nag and whine, to feel sorry for myself, to complain, to just talk to someone about myself for hours and hours on, to stop moderating my thoughts, to stop having to filter out what I say not to come across.. just not to come across - I want to stay on the other side of the bridge for a while. I want to get back in touch with my .. MY... not someone else's.. not "broadcast-worthy"...but MY thoughts. The selfish ones. The ones that don't make sense. The ones that can take me to that place where I used to be able to go to when I was younger. And lonely. Now I'm not lonely. But I lost touch with what I am. Even if I never knew what I am..am. But now I kinda just gave up on looking for it. Because I don't see the point. The point of trying. It takes too much energy. And I still have laundry to hang.
Now, and this anxiety? Why does it feel like I'm somehow second best.. is it in my head? Do I keep on feeling jealous because it gives me a sense of excitement? Some drama to add to the relationship? But I feel it.. it's there. And I'm afraid to ask him because I'm afraid he'll not be able to respond as I'd like him to. She was his first love probably. An imprint that will leave its mark for the rest of his life. And I don't have the energy to even try to overcome that. How could I ever? And I still have dinner to cook.
I have to admit I'm obsessed with her. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is jealousy anymore. I'm fascinated with her. With just the fact that He loved her. How to ever get over that? This selfishness. I want to be his Number One. But how can number One come after number One? That's why I always hated math. It's strict and cold. You can't beat around the bush with it. You can't have it "just maybe this time it will pass." No, in math, everything is always as math states it to be. Heartless bitch.
I just need a friend. Someone to talk to for hours about anything and everything..
I also need some extra hours in a day.
And I still have the house to vacuum.
Now, there's almost nothing wrong with my reality. I'd probably wouldn't have time to nag here if something was wrong. But this silence..
There were too many changes in the past two years. Not bad changes. Mostly. But changes. Change of life-style because of getting pregnant. Leaving job to be at home with the kid. Changing countries. Losing a friendship. Having closest family move away far from me. Of course, the other side of all these changes is that I have to be thankful that I have all these concepts in my life at all. On the other hand, sometimes, I just want to nag and whine, to feel sorry for myself, to complain, to just talk to someone about myself for hours and hours on, to stop moderating my thoughts, to stop having to filter out what I say not to come across.. just not to come across - I want to stay on the other side of the bridge for a while. I want to get back in touch with my .. MY... not someone else's.. not "broadcast-worthy"...but MY thoughts. The selfish ones. The ones that don't make sense. The ones that can take me to that place where I used to be able to go to when I was younger. And lonely. Now I'm not lonely. But I lost touch with what I am. Even if I never knew what I am..am. But now I kinda just gave up on looking for it. Because I don't see the point. The point of trying. It takes too much energy. And I still have laundry to hang.
Now, and this anxiety? Why does it feel like I'm somehow second best.. is it in my head? Do I keep on feeling jealous because it gives me a sense of excitement? Some drama to add to the relationship? But I feel it.. it's there. And I'm afraid to ask him because I'm afraid he'll not be able to respond as I'd like him to. She was his first love probably. An imprint that will leave its mark for the rest of his life. And I don't have the energy to even try to overcome that. How could I ever? And I still have dinner to cook.
I have to admit I'm obsessed with her. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is jealousy anymore. I'm fascinated with her. With just the fact that He loved her. How to ever get over that? This selfishness. I want to be his Number One. But how can number One come after number One? That's why I always hated math. It's strict and cold. You can't beat around the bush with it. You can't have it "just maybe this time it will pass." No, in math, everything is always as math states it to be. Heartless bitch.
I just need a friend. Someone to talk to for hours about anything and everything..
I also need some extra hours in a day.
And I still have the house to vacuum.
1 comment:
and all that is left to do is steal time from sleep, but for how long can it be done before the body simply collapses and fails... and then what... who will care for the vegetable that is left?...
so i give in more than ever to sleep most nights, a few hours sometimes, sometimes even almost eight, now and then... and in giving in, each time, i die a little more...
once i was invincible... or so i thought... now i am alone and tire, even as i have life living in this space, life dependent on me for survival, a friend who is still a child financially and emotionally and i parent as well as i am able... it is a loneliness you may understand...
meanwhile, reading your words reminds me that i had a first once and i hung on to her for decades and prevented myself from connecting anywhere near the same as that first for at least two decades... it was twenty years ago, the band played, and now forty, and hanging on to that first may have prevented any romance or relationship from lasting... sad, as love, sharing love, unconditional love and trust, was always my mission, my reason for being... but what good is a reason for being when i've forgotten how to do it...
so we move on day to day doing the best we can... i do a lot of good in this world... i manage a facility that gives many dozens of people a heart-warming job that provides care for two dozen people who would die without our care... a small bit of being a savior, a small bit of making the world a better place...
sometimes i wonder if hope survives, which is sad, even as somewhere inside i know hope survives if i want it to... wondering if i want it to is even sadder and somewhat scary when i imagine what fear is...
ultimately, everything is ok because i continue... i know i continue because i write that i continue almost every day and the words i continue lead me to accept and believe that i continue...
onward and so on
and for the moment
and so, because i care,
i send an imaginary hug...
and a hopeful smile :)
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