It felt kinda strange to realize that I don't have a childhood home or place where I could return to and see all my things and furniture just the way they've been while I was growing up. So, I can never do this scene they do in movies, where many years later, they walk real slowly into the permanently unlocked, hazy hued house to find all their memories scattered and unfinished cookies spiderwebbed.
But, in a way, I'm glad there's no such place, such places tend to be somehow painful. And well, although I'm sort of sentimental and can get attached to my old lamp (which I decorated myself and almost gave it a name) I don't like this feeling. So, I threw the lamp out. Eventually. After years of beautiful co-existence.. It's sorta like being a moth that's pointlessly smashing itself against the window trying to get to the light that it sees inside. But even the moth has a better chance of actually getting to this light rather than me returning to my past. To which I wouldn't really want to return. Not that it was bad. Just thinking of past is always painful and sad. And as A-ha sings about memories - "the good ones hurt more than the bad ones do."
And now, another home that was put together from scratch, will yet again be abandoned, made a home of someone else, never to be able to return to the same experience of home.. just the place.
Another country to be made into home now.. fast forward to the already settled routine or try to enjoy the chaos that will come before?
Exciting and yet somehow brings tears to my eyes just by thinking of the move. Is it wrong to abandon your home to make a new home? What is natural to humans? To stay all their life in the same habitat or to wander about? Or to wander about their same habitat? Hm?
3 comments:
I share the first paragraph with you as I have no roots to family or place, though the fact that i put hundreds of boxes into storage in the 90s and there they remain gives me some sense of history, if mostly non-personal material stuff...
and i also feel your gladness that there is no such place, bittersweet as the relief is, it is relief.. a sense of freedom that, for me, comes from no biological or material ties to anyone or anything...
there are times when i wish i had a shared past with someone, a long history of being with the same person, someone who knows all the stories and experiences of this lifetime... the few long relationships, intimate or platonic, seem to fade as people move away (i was the one who moved away once or twice too)... keeping in touch was a lot different before the internet and the vast majority of those who lost touch before the internet came about have not reconnected for whatever reason...
i like today, but i would like to share memories too...
are you moving again or is this remembering your last move?... i've called four places in two countries home for a while and i would like to think i have one more move to make, perhaps back to the west coast, though i much more seek a shared home than a specific place...
i think there are different kinds of humans... at my core, i am a traveller, home is where i am... i think some people might be sedentary, but i think the human mind is too curious to be naturally sedentary... i think the sameness of place comes from habit and acceptance of limitations, cultural and tribal pressures suppress the natural instinct to explore and learn... the fact that we revere the explorers even as most choose to sit back and watch suggests to me that the deeper nature of humans is to expand the mind and reach beyond home for dreams and new experiences...
that could just be a perspective forged by my personal experience, but it's my perspective nonetheless...
i wish you a happy move :)
Yes, that's another thought, to have someone with whom you can share memories. Like someone I know has a friend and they both don't remember a time when they didn't know each other. That's something I'd like to experience, but ah well.
The move is ahead of me, in a few weeks in fact, moving somewhere I have never even visited before; just to make things even more exciting.
It makes sense though, that we're as humans are rather explorers and from early childhood have a strong sense of curiosity. Which then gets dim or we just ignore it or whatever happens to it along with all the energy we had as a child.
I like the thought that we are not meant to be sedentary. :)
Whenever if happens, I wish you much wellness and excitement and just enough comfort to be fun as you move and settle into your new home... and I am happy we have a way and place to keep in touch too :)
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