I read some time ago of someone's experience being a third culture kid or someone that moves to different places often. "I'm temporary in everyone's permanent existence."
No matter how exciting it is to discover new places, meeting new people, tasting new dishes or experiencing new cultures, I think I'm tired of being temporary.
The settled feeling.
Tinnitus waking you up at 3 am must be a sign that something is off.
I want to be positive. I try to be thankful. I see my blessings. But can't help but feel the fog setting in once again.
I don't want change. I used to smirk at those giving 30 years of their life to one job.. City.. Whatever that is.
And now.
I want to grow roots.
I don't want to be a one season plant anymore.
It gives you a fake sense of freedom where you are excused not to make a commitment to any one job or home or community.. But each time you leave, you realize it feels like a small death to a life you will never be able to have again.
I'm tired of dying and resurrecting.
Drama queen much?
Possibly.
But I get attached easily.
To the place.
To the tree.
To the stroll in a park on a sunny autumn day.
To the bakery lady.
To you.
And moving once again feels like walking in iron shoes.
I can't let him see the tears.. He has enough on his plate.
Will I ever learn to be satisfied and thankful for my current state? Is this why this lesson keeps on repeating itself? Because I flunked once again..
1 comment:
Oh my... I so relate so.
Your words here were written days after I relocated my living space to a small room in a small house in the ghetto of a small town north of Orlando so I could be closer to my news job which I had for just a few days at the time. Time was so full of job and new space and keeping afloat and celebrating a return to income and being isolated and so many self-directed thoughts while giving everything I had to learning the new job and fitting in with the new coworkers.
No wonder this comment never happened at the time.
Then I read the first line.
OMG.
I am temporary in everyone's permanent existence.
But then, life is temporary.
I have searched for the illusion of permanence since my first consciousness and I've yet to find it with another, only within myself. At least there is that. At least I am settled within myself. When I want to be.
Tinnitus wakes me sometimes. Blood pressure can affect it. It is a good barometer/hygrometer or just blood pressure meter for me.
I have roots. They go with me wherever I do. Seeking compatible fertile ground.
I hope you find your fertile ground.
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose
I read your words in this entry and think... I wrote these words in my mind a hundred times in a hundred ways. They are probably somewhere online or in a book in a box near Niagara Falls, NY, along with hundreds of other boxes stored more than two decades.
Attached, yet apart.
Hug.
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