How many lives have I lived in my 31 years, let's see.. This would be the 7th, not sure based on what I came up with that number but it feels about right. The strangest feeling is seeing posts of people I once knew on social networks, some were even close friends, but now I'm no longer involved in these lives.. Watching the posts like a ghost watching the lives of those still alive.. Trying to connect.. But remain unheard and disconnected. Probably it's my fault. Didn't put enough effort and time to keep these relationships alive.. To remain as someone who matters to these people. So go and build myself a new life, with blackjack and hookers.. Erm.. I mean, with new set of people, new country, and wonder if I learned anything along the way. I'm sure i went through some kind of spiritual enlightenment, but not sure what exactly this light is shining on. Empath. Hypersensitivity. Stop walking around with your soul wide open. These are not your thoughts or feelings. And mine are not  mine either. Just a drip of chemicals in my brain. And now this? I so don't need this now. There's no place for these messed up, teenage thoughts and feelings in my newely built life of an adult mother and wife. Haha. Mother and wife. Read into these two terms. What am I supposed to do with these two? They are larger than me, like a toddler daughter wobbling in her mommy's high-heels. When will it fit?

Such an emotion junkie..

You do the math

Maybe because it's fall, or maybe because there's just this constant silence in this place, that I'm starting to go back into that numb state.. viewing myself from outside. Wanting nothing but to sleep. Actually, wholeheartedly looking forward to each evening in anticipation of crawling into bed and going into my dreams, which are so much more exciting and louder than my reality.
Now, there's almost nothing wrong with my reality. I'd probably wouldn't have time to nag here if something was wrong. But this silence..
There were too many changes in the past two years. Not bad changes. Mostly. But changes. Change of life-style because of getting pregnant. Leaving job to be at home with the kid. Changing countries. Losing a friendship. Having closest family move away far from me. Of course, the other side of all these changes is that I have to be thankful that I have all these concepts in my life at all. On the other hand, sometimes, I just want to nag and whine, to feel sorry for myself, to complain, to just talk to someone about myself for hours and hours on, to stop moderating my thoughts, to stop having to filter out what I say not to come across.. just not to come across - I want to stay on the other side of the bridge for a while. I want to get back in touch with my .. MY... not someone else's.. not "broadcast-worthy"...but MY thoughts. The selfish ones. The ones that don't make sense. The ones that can take me to that place where I used to be able to go to when I was younger. And lonely. Now I'm not lonely. But I lost touch with what I am. Even if I never knew what I am..am. But now I kinda just gave up on looking for it. Because I don't see the point. The point of trying. It takes too much energy. And I still have laundry to hang.
Now, and this anxiety? Why does it feel like I'm somehow second best.. is it in my head? Do I keep on feeling jealous because it gives me a sense of excitement? Some drama to add to the relationship? But I feel it.. it's there. And I'm afraid to ask him because I'm afraid he'll not be able to respond as I'd like him to. She was his first love probably. An imprint that will leave its mark for the rest of his life. And I don't have the energy to even try to overcome that. How could I ever? And I still have dinner to cook.
I have to admit I'm obsessed with her. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is jealousy anymore. I'm fascinated with her. With just the fact that He loved her. How to ever get over that? This selfishness. I want to be his Number One. But how can number One come after number One? That's why I always hated math. It's strict and cold. You can't beat around the bush with it. You can't have it "just maybe this time it will pass." No, in math, everything is always as math states it to be. Heartless bitch.
I just need a friend. Someone to talk to for hours about anything and everything..
I also need some extra hours in a day.
And I still have the house to vacuum.

a couple or few

there are a couple or few, or more if we include you, who are not listed on the side over there where the family names are listed as contributors here and it's not for any guilt trip that i say i wish you'd at least add your name today because even if you just visit in silence and even if you don't come by at all your presence is a precious memory i want to keep and just to see your name here... happy tears would fall...

you once let me into your heart and this place is a tribute to that trust... it will always be here as long as the servers allow and you are welcome... you are wanted... you are missed... and i will keep hoping one day when i come back to this place and i will see your name and know you know that you are my blog family and a precious memory and you are always in my heart wherever you go...

may it bring you a smile too, to know you can come here anytime and be reminded someone cares... may it bring some peace of mind to know you can write anything and i will read and respect and be here... even if it is sheer rage or biting pain or cursing at the world, even if you are upset with me... this is a place for you, a couple or few, people we trust and more... just to see your name here... i remember what i come here for... just to see your name here... an open door...

yeah, i know, i'm stubborn this way... i won't stop believing in you... i won't stop encouraging you... and i hope not to annoy you as i remind you again that this place is where you can be true - no matter what you share here - this place respects you... as i do too :)

gentle slumbers?

ah, we can hope they are gentle, but stress, pain, and numbness do not for gentle slumbers make... stress and pain, the physical and emotional conflicts that come from unresolved or uncooperative mind and body systems, they are both restless waters shifting between torrential downpours and boulder-smashing rapids to unseen riptides and mesmerizing whirlpools, none of which is safe to be too close to, no less within... and numbness, the silent killer, leaves the shell of the body wandering in near zombie states through the basic daily activities of survival while the mind avoids, the heart sleeps, and the body vegetates... all can give the appearance of gentle slumbers from the outside, at least to the untrained or ignorant eye, but those who have been there know better that stress, pain, and numbness are no places to stay for long... if we have a choice... and yet, in so many different ways, most of humanity do have a choice and choose to live there (when will we ever learn)...

and we, dear blog family, know the journey all too well... the outside and the inside become one uneasy blend of wtf?... and all we do is continue... but can we continue a bit differently?... the few words we share occasionally is a different kind of river, a river that came bring some positivity of hope that someone does understand, that someone does care, that we are not as along as we feel... i care about you and wish you a smile today, wish we shared more, even a little more, even a word... come out come out wherever you are, and continue...

hello... hello... hello...

Just a drop

1. petty

When someone takes a small subject and blows it out of proportion. 

At times, making something otherwise insignificant into something bigger to suit their own agenda.

But is it still petty if you are bothered by it for close to five years straight? What's my agenda? Is it due to a lack of problems in my life, as he might suggest? But I want this to be my story.. our story. The only story. Not a chapter in a book. Even if the longest, and possibly the last chapter in the book. But I want to be the book. Selfish? Arrogant? Petty? Probably.. 

But this is important to me. I was pondering about most companies' slogan, "Your call/feedback is important to us." And why is that supposed to make me feel important or somehow like they're concerned about me, as they might imply by that sentence. If you dissect the sentence, all it says is, "We don't give a crap about You-You, we need that whatever piece of information that you might accidentally spit out while consuming our product, to make us do something to bring in more cashy-cashy than we already have." So, why do they think this sentence is supposed to make 'Me' feel special and needed and loved by the cold, steel-tentacled corporation?

Where am I going? Ah yes...to 'feeling special.'

This photo. He says it's not important who's standing on the sides of other people on the photo. And it's his parents choice to have it out. But it's him and her. Not me. Constant reminder. This chapter is bookmarked. Do I mention it to them and make it even a bigger deal? Or quietly go crazy and obsessed about it for the next 5 or 10 or however many years? And when our daughter will learn to speak and ask us who's that woman on the photo? Bookmarked chapter. No big deal right? Am I too territorial? I want every sign of her existence in his past to be gone from our present. 

The Sin of comparison. Argh! This photo brings out so many dark thoughts from me. And no one seems to see it being out there as inappropriate. He said we can't rearrange his parents' house and I have to live with this. 

Petty. 

But it's like the Chinese water drop torture.

I realize how ridiculous it is as I'm writing about it, but what you feel tends to be stripped of its intensity by words. Or does it? I don't know. Either way something is lost somewhere along the way. Or is it that I can't find the appropriate words to use. Vent. Vent. Vent. 

ode to z0tl

he was cryptic cool
as death might sound
if we could hear after
life implodes on itself
for he could see beyond
the daily pretenses
into the silence
of the sound

Summer moved on

It felt kinda strange to realize that I don't have a childhood home or place where I could return to and see all my things and furniture just the way they've been while I was growing up. So, I can never do this scene they do in movies, where many years later, they walk real slowly into the permanently unlocked, hazy hued house to find all their memories scattered and unfinished cookies spiderwebbed. 

But, in a way, I'm glad there's no such place, such places tend to be somehow painful. And well, although I'm sort of sentimental and can get attached to my old lamp (which I decorated myself and almost gave it a name) I don't like this feeling. So, I threw the lamp out. Eventually. After years of beautiful co-existence.. It's sorta like being a moth that's pointlessly smashing itself against the window trying to get to the light that it sees inside. But even the moth has a better chance of actually getting to this light rather than me returning to my past. To which I wouldn't really want to return. Not that it was bad. Just thinking of past is always painful and sad. And as A-ha sings about memories - "the good ones hurt more than the bad ones do."

And now, another home that was put together from scratch, will yet again be abandoned, made a home of someone else, never to be able to return to the same experience of home.. just the place. 

Another country to be made into home now.. fast forward to the already settled routine or try to enjoy the chaos that will come before? 

Exciting and yet somehow brings tears to my eyes just by thinking of the move. Is it wrong to abandon your home to make a new home? What is natural to humans? To stay all their life in the same habitat or to wander about? Or to wander about their same habitat? Hm?