I read some time ago of someone's experience being a third culture kid or someone that moves to different places often. "I'm temporary in everyone's permanent existence."
No matter how exciting it is to discover new places, meeting new people, tasting new dishes or experiencing new cultures, I think I'm tired of being temporary.
The settled feeling.
Tinnitus waking you up at 3 am must be a sign that something is off.
I want to be positive. I try to be thankful. I see my blessings. But can't help but feel the fog setting in once again.
I don't want change. I used to smirk at those giving 30 years of their life to one job.. City.. Whatever that is.
And now.
I want to grow roots.
I don't want to be a one season plant anymore.
It gives you a fake sense of freedom where you are excused not to make a commitment to any one job or home or community.. But each time you leave, you realize it feels like a small death to a life you will never be able to have again.
I'm tired of dying and resurrecting.
Drama queen much?
Possibly.
But I get attached easily.
To the place.
To the tree.
To the stroll in a park on a sunny autumn day.
To the bakery lady.
To you.
And moving once again feels like walking in iron shoes.
I can't let him see the tears.. He has enough on his plate.
Will I ever learn to be satisfied and thankful for my current state? Is this why this lesson keeps on repeating itself? Because I flunked once again..
