You do the math

Maybe because it's fall, or maybe because there's just this constant silence in this place, that I'm starting to go back into that numb state.. viewing myself from outside. Wanting nothing but to sleep. Actually, wholeheartedly looking forward to each evening in anticipation of crawling into bed and going into my dreams, which are so much more exciting and louder than my reality.
Now, there's almost nothing wrong with my reality. I'd probably wouldn't have time to nag here if something was wrong. But this silence..
There were too many changes in the past two years. Not bad changes. Mostly. But changes. Change of life-style because of getting pregnant. Leaving job to be at home with the kid. Changing countries. Losing a friendship. Having closest family move away far from me. Of course, the other side of all these changes is that I have to be thankful that I have all these concepts in my life at all. On the other hand, sometimes, I just want to nag and whine, to feel sorry for myself, to complain, to just talk to someone about myself for hours and hours on, to stop moderating my thoughts, to stop having to filter out what I say not to come across.. just not to come across - I want to stay on the other side of the bridge for a while. I want to get back in touch with my .. MY... not someone else's.. not "broadcast-worthy"...but MY thoughts. The selfish ones. The ones that don't make sense. The ones that can take me to that place where I used to be able to go to when I was younger. And lonely. Now I'm not lonely. But I lost touch with what I am. Even if I never knew what I am..am. But now I kinda just gave up on looking for it. Because I don't see the point. The point of trying. It takes too much energy. And I still have laundry to hang.
Now, and this anxiety? Why does it feel like I'm somehow second best.. is it in my head? Do I keep on feeling jealous because it gives me a sense of excitement? Some drama to add to the relationship? But I feel it.. it's there. And I'm afraid to ask him because I'm afraid he'll not be able to respond as I'd like him to. She was his first love probably. An imprint that will leave its mark for the rest of his life. And I don't have the energy to even try to overcome that. How could I ever? And I still have dinner to cook.
I have to admit I'm obsessed with her. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is jealousy anymore. I'm fascinated with her. With just the fact that He loved her. How to ever get over that? This selfishness. I want to be his Number One. But how can number One come after number One? That's why I always hated math. It's strict and cold. You can't beat around the bush with it. You can't have it "just maybe this time it will pass." No, in math, everything is always as math states it to be. Heartless bitch.
I just need a friend. Someone to talk to for hours about anything and everything..
I also need some extra hours in a day.
And I still have the house to vacuum.

a couple or few

there are a couple or few, or more if we include you, who are not listed on the side over there where the family names are listed as contributors here and it's not for any guilt trip that i say i wish you'd at least add your name today because even if you just visit in silence and even if you don't come by at all your presence is a precious memory i want to keep and just to see your name here... happy tears would fall...

you once let me into your heart and this place is a tribute to that trust... it will always be here as long as the servers allow and you are welcome... you are wanted... you are missed... and i will keep hoping one day when i come back to this place and i will see your name and know you know that you are my blog family and a precious memory and you are always in my heart wherever you go...

may it bring you a smile too, to know you can come here anytime and be reminded someone cares... may it bring some peace of mind to know you can write anything and i will read and respect and be here... even if it is sheer rage or biting pain or cursing at the world, even if you are upset with me... this is a place for you, a couple or few, people we trust and more... just to see your name here... i remember what i come here for... just to see your name here... an open door...

yeah, i know, i'm stubborn this way... i won't stop believing in you... i won't stop encouraging you... and i hope not to annoy you as i remind you again that this place is where you can be true - no matter what you share here - this place respects you... as i do too :)

gentle slumbers?

ah, we can hope they are gentle, but stress, pain, and numbness do not for gentle slumbers make... stress and pain, the physical and emotional conflicts that come from unresolved or uncooperative mind and body systems, they are both restless waters shifting between torrential downpours and boulder-smashing rapids to unseen riptides and mesmerizing whirlpools, none of which is safe to be too close to, no less within... and numbness, the silent killer, leaves the shell of the body wandering in near zombie states through the basic daily activities of survival while the mind avoids, the heart sleeps, and the body vegetates... all can give the appearance of gentle slumbers from the outside, at least to the untrained or ignorant eye, but those who have been there know better that stress, pain, and numbness are no places to stay for long... if we have a choice... and yet, in so many different ways, most of humanity do have a choice and choose to live there (when will we ever learn)...

and we, dear blog family, know the journey all too well... the outside and the inside become one uneasy blend of wtf?... and all we do is continue... but can we continue a bit differently?... the few words we share occasionally is a different kind of river, a river that came bring some positivity of hope that someone does understand, that someone does care, that we are not as along as we feel... i care about you and wish you a smile today, wish we shared more, even a little more, even a word... come out come out wherever you are, and continue...

hello... hello... hello...